I always catch myself getting on here wanting to tell you of something deep and inspirational. Something faith challenging, and God glorifying. Something moving and heartfelt.
I'm not feelin' it today.
Don't get me wrong, I know it's in me. I just skillfully manage to think of these things when I am away from the computer but apparently I have faith amnesia anytime I get close. OK that's a little sarcastic, but I hope you know what I mean.
Can I blame it on the baby? I am 33 weeks now and so ready to be done!!! It doesn't help that I have a sick three year old on the couch next to me either. Or a super dirty house when nesting is in full swing. And my butt hurts, yes that is what you expect to be reading on a blog about living for Christ. It's really just my tailbone, but it's sore and uncomfortable and all that fun stuff. STOP WHINING. I know.
Let's get back to Jesus, k?
I have had this song stuck in my head for days now it is called "So Long Self" by MercyMe. Here is a link to the lyrics. I will be honest, I just find the song amusing. Ultimately the point is REALLY good though. Here is a snippet of the lyrics:
Believe it or not but life is not apparently About me anyways But I have met the One who really is worthy So let me say
Chorus: So long self Well it's been fun, but I have found somebody else So long self There's just no room for two So you are gonna have to move So long self Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me farewell Oh well, Goodbye, don't cry So Long Self
Stop right there because I know what your thinking But no we can't be friends And even though I know your heart is breaking This has to end
Entertaining stuff, huh? Here is the video:
Maybe tomorrow you will see the better side of me. Maybe. As for us, God is good. I cannot wait to tell people of all that God has been doing in these few weeks since my husbands job loss! I am so awed and overwhelmed by His provision and grace I need to find a good way to share it with you! May He bless you abundantly today as well.
Somehow I posted this on my family blog... not my faith blog... not sure HOW I did that! Well, it isn't totally applicable but an ok read. God Bless!
It's Christmas time... my most favorite time of year. As Jay is old enough now to enjoy the magic of the season, we are trying to come up with ways to make it meaningful. We want to start new traditions, our traditions. They say children thrive on things like this, and thinking back to my very happy childhood I could not agree more. My parents made this whole season so incredibly special, joyful, and exciting. I want our kids to know that christmas is not about santa claus and christmas trees, though these things aren't bad, but it is about the birth of Christ. That in itself was miraculous and awe inspiring. So we will do a walk through Bethlehem, and drive around and see christmas lights, take him to see christmas trees, all of that in the spirit of the season knowing that ultimately it is a time to celebrate the birth of the world's savior. God loves each and every one of us, exactly where we are today, and that is why He sent His son. If you follow the life of Christ we start with something incredibly joyful, followed by a lifetime of miracles and wonders, then it is followed by a toturous and horrible death, then comes another event that can be dubbed joyful and miraculous, but the very greatest part of the whole entire story... is the end that hasn't come yet.
With all of that said, I was listening to the satellite radio on my TV tonight while updating this blog and heard the song "Joy to the World" come on. The lyrics are so beautiful and touched me to my soul. Enjoy reading, may it touch you in the same way as you go through this season of Joy and Awe!
Joy to the World , the Lord is come! Let earth receive her King; Let every heart prepare Him room, And Heaven and nature sing, And Heaven and nature sing, And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.
Joy to the World, the Savior reigns! Let men their songs employ; While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains Repeat the sounding joy, Repeat the sounding joy, Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.
No more let sins and sorrows grow, Nor thorns infest the ground; He comes to make His blessings flow Far as the curse is found, Far as the curse is found, Far as, far as, the curse is found.
He rules the world with truth and grace, And makes the nations prove The glories of His righteousness, And wonders of His love, And wonders of His love, And wonders, wonders, of His love.
After a conversation with my cousin (well, I had actually pulled up the site to write a blog about this topic already) I was telling her the importance of some aspects of marriage. I asked her about her boyfriend of the past year or so, probably the "or so". I had been of the mindset that he wasn't good enough for her. Some might say that I will feel that way about every guy, but I sincerely won't. I asked her if this guy valued her. Because ultimately if someone doesn't value you then there will be a breakdown of either her self-esteem/beliefs/values, or they will break up because she will see her worth, or he will realize she won't take well to her de-valuation. Hubs and I have gone through a horribly bad week. Less than a week, but it feels forever long already. He lost his job Friday night. A job he absolutely loved. A job we had sacrificed for. He had wonderful coworkers that have blessed us abundantly in the past few days. To say it was a shock would be putting it mildly. I knew it was going to hurt him, and that hurt me, because I truly love him. The past few days have been amazing though. This is literally one of the worst situations of our marriage so far. He is the sole breadwinner, I am 6 months pregnant, and we have a little boy. I could go on with all of the reasons this is bad, really really bad, but that was never the reason I started this post. I wanted to write it because I am amazed at how God has blessed our marriage in the past few days. We are in complete unity on decisions and actions. We are both shouldering the load, and even though it is a heavy one, it feels good to be shouldering it with him. We are a team, we do this together. Not only did I ask my cousin today about her value in the eyes of this boy I also asked her if she wanted to share life with this kid. (note, I use the words boy and kid, not guy or man) Would he be the one she would want to shoulder the load with? Would he be the one she wanted to try to raise a family with? There are so many important questions when it comes down to who you will choose to be your spouse. With all of this being said, I know my husband's faults and they are many (as are my own), he is definitely imperfect. Yes, sometimes he drives me crazy, and I have been know to have the desire to throw him out of a moving car before (check "yes" under crazy pregnancy hormones here). Ultimately though, I said "I do" and he did too. I have mentioned to you my love of country music. Lady Antebellum is one of my favorite bands. They have a song entitled "I Run To You". I have loved this song from the first time I heard it because it so perfectly describes something people forget about marriage. It is important to run to your spouse. In good times and bad. When you try to fill the parts of you in need with other things or people you are in a bit o' trouble. Girlfriends have an important place, but there are things in a marriage that must be held sacred, and communication is one of them. So here are the lyrics and a video. God Bless! I run my life Or is it running me? Run from my past I run too fast Or too slow it seems When lies become the truth That's when I run to you This world keeps spinning faster To a new disaster, so I run to you I run to you, Baby When it all starts coming undone Baby, you're the only one I run to I run to you We run on fumes Your life and mine Like the sands of time Slippin' right on through Our love's the only truth That's why I run to you
I have always been one that believes that naming children means more than just calling them something, but must be backed with meaning. When I was diagnosed at 17 with PCOS I was told I would never have children without medical intervention. The summer after that I went to go work in a remote village in the rainforest of Honduras. It was a very short term trip, about two weeks. When I was there God told me I would have a son, and that I was supposed to name him Jeremiah. Later I looked up the meaning of that name. It has been defined as either "God will Uplift" or "The Lord Exalts".
I went on with my life for several(5) years before I met and married my husband. During that time I wasn't totally believing that I would have children, and informed him before we ever really started dating that it might not be an option. I knew I liked him when he told me he didn't care! He pointed out that adoption was always an option and we would just wait and see what God had for us. Shockingly, 4 months after getting married we found out I was pregnant. Those next few months passed in a blur, and our son was born right before our one year anniversary. I remember (in my head) singing the song "Great is They Faithfulness" at his birth (via emergency c-section). I will leave you with those lyrics: Great is Thy faithfulness O God, my Father There is no shadow of turning with Thee Thou changest not Thy compassions they fail not As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be. Great is Thy faithfulness Great is Thy faithfulness Morning by morning, New mercies I see All I have needed Thy hand has provided Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me Summer and winter, springtime and harvest Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above Join with all nature in manifold witness To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. Great is Thy faithfulness Great is Thy faithfulness Morning by morning, New mercies I see All I have needed Thy hand has provided Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me
This post isn't going to contain much, is that relief I hear after my last post?
I read Beth Moore's blog. I LOVE her blog. She posted at Christmas, or maybe one of her daughters did. They asked you to comment about one thing that God blessed you with on Christmas day. I loved reading the comments!!! It was encouraging and amazing and beautiful. What an Awesome God HE is!
It makes me think of a few lines of this song; Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee by Henry Van Dyke. Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love; Hearts unfold like flow’rs before Thee, Op’ning to the sun above. Melt the clouds of sin and sadness; Drive the dark of doubt away; Giver of immortal gladness, Fill us with the light of day!
As you might or might not know, this precious little one is a total miracle. I am compelled to write her story far before she is born. Let me start with what led us here… to having this precious baby. I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and while it affects many parts of your body, the most hurtful to many women is that it can cause infertility, annovulation. Annovulation is where your body does not ovulate an egg every month like the majority of women. The struggle with a woman with PCOS is that if she is not ovulating, often she is also not producing the necessary egg. While treatments vary widely, basically a normal month would be several days of fertility meds all of which make you feel like you are losing your mind. Followed by ultrasounds, an injection to make you release the egg you hope was produced, and then timed intercourse or a procedure called intrauterine insemination. Then you are in the middle of something that fills you with hope and dread all at the same time… the two week wait. While it sounds medically complicated, I will tell you it takes a much larger toll on your emotions and faith than anything else. Physically your body takes quite a beating too with the addition of all of the extra hormones. Then you experience month after month of negative pregnancy tests. Hubs and I have experienced more than 30 negative pregnancy tests.
In July I was two days into my fertility meds when I went to go see my doctor, and got the news. My hormone levels were so out of whack that he didn’t want to proceed for at least three months. Not only that he told me if I were to get pregnant in that time I would have an elevated risk of miscarriage. Women with PCOS already have a much higher rate of miscarriage. He referred me to an internist so I could get some of the issues worked out, and told me I had a wait of 3-6 months at least. This was really hard for me. VERY hard. My son (another miracle story, but just not this one) was already three, we had been trying for a long time. The next day I had a baby shower to attend at my husband’s office for another couple who were just about to have their baby girl. I was going to the shower because I was expected to be there, there was just no getting out of it, but it hurt. In the car on the way to my husband’s office this song came on the radio by John Waller. It is entitled “While I’m Waiting” and is featured in the movie Fireproof. It was a song my husband and I had held onto because we are in the waiting period to start the ministry we feel God has called us to, opening an orphanage in Uruguay. That day in my car it took on a whole new meaning for me… we were “waiting” to have a baby. Let me share the lyrics with you.
I'm waiting I'm waiting on You, Lord And I am hopeful I'm waiting on You, Lord Though it is painful But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident Taking every step in obedience While I'm waiting I will serve You While I'm waiting I will worship While I'm waiting I will not faint I'll be running the race Even while I wait
I'm waiting I'm waiting on You, Lord And I am peaceful I'm waiting on You, Lord Though it's not easy But faithfully, I will wait Yes, I will wait I will serve You while I'm waiting I will worship while I'm waiting I will serve You while I'm waiting I will worship while I'm waiting I will serve you while I'm waiting I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
Basically this song captured how I was feeling at the moment. We were in a period of waiting, but that wasn’t going to stop us from loving God, serving God, and trusting in His provision and timing. Waiting is never easy. If you know me at all you know that I am not prone to tears, I do not cry. Driving down the road - in the car - listening to this song – going somewhere I really didn’t want to go, I cried. I almost had to pull my car over. My little boy in the backseat was asking me if I was okay, I know I had him worried. I believe my answer started as “No I’m not okay, but ended in yes honey, mommy is completely fine”. It is amazing to me how the lyrics of a song can touch us so profoundly, because I knew in that very moment that God was in control. Not only that, but that I was completely fine with Him being the one in control. For a semi-control freak, this is sometimes one of the biggest things we have to consistently remind ourselves to give up.
Hubs and I began talking about not proceeding with treatments at all. We were praying about it, and wondering if this was the path God had for us anyways. We had the son God had promised to me years before we ever met. We had begun to think that he was all God had for us biologically. We were completely ok with that since we are headed to Uruguay in a few years to open an orphanage, we will most certainly have the opportunity in the future to adopt. Following Christ was much more important than trying to make something happen that wasn’t in His plan.
In the beginning of August I had started feeling hot. Ridiculously hot, all of the time. I am a hot natured girl anyways. I was completely unable to get cool, during the day I would shower a few times just to try to cool down. Most of the time I was plain miserable though. It only lasted for a few days but I cannot describe how badly I wanted relief! I remember driving home from my parents house on Tuesday night and talking with my husband about it. Hubs tried to get me to take a pregnancy test, since I had been feeling ill as well and was mad that I was possibly going to be on my period during our trip to the upper peninsula the next week. I remember looking at him and telling him that I just couldn’t handle seeing another negative. It was just too much.
With my husbands words ringing in my head Thursday night I ran to the dollar store to pick up a few goodies for our son for the long drive and grabbed the pregnancy test as well. My justification was that it was only a dollar. I wasn’t expecting anything from it.
Friday morning we were scheduled to leave at 9 a.m. so I was up at 7 to finish the last minute packing and get the rental car loaded up. I decided to go ahead and take the test, and I remember watching the window on the test thinking “If this test was going to be positive, that is where the line would be”. That should have been my first clue. I had taken 30 of these tests in the years previous and never had that thought before. It was about two minutes later that I realized that positive line was only growing darker. Calling for my husband I stood in shock. It took several times to get his attention, but he got the clue. When he came in and looked at the test and said something completely normal like “wow”. This isn’t a complaint… I needed his normalcy, I was about to jump out of my skin. I took a few more tests that I had my mom bring over, and I passed each one!
It was at this time when I was so excited that fear began to creep in as well. I remembered my doctor telling me of my elevated risk of miscarriage. For something we had wanted for so long, I couldn’t imagine the loss. I just decided at that moment I would not live with the fear, I would focus on God and trust that no matter the outcome it was in His hands. That being said, fear was constant, and I just have to remind myself daily, hourly, minute by minute, of my initial decision.
One evening at 8 ½ weeks I started spotting and cramping. I knew I was losing the baby and I was powerless to stop it. That night was an intense night for God and I. Outwardly I didn’t want to let on how scared I was, I was trying not to worry my husband or son. Inside I was a wreck. Since I couldn’t sleep I decided to look up baby names. We had felt from the beginning that this baby was girl, and hadn’t tossed around too many boy names. We couldn’t agree on one anyways. However we had always liked the name Selah Grace for a girl. We thought Grace to be fitting since we knew what it would take for us to have another baby, and it is also a family name on both sides. I couldn’t remember the meaning of the name Selah though. We knew it was the name of a Christian bad that we liked, but that was about the extent of it. Somewhere we had found it to mean “rock” but knew it wasn’t right. So that night I pulled up google and typed in “meaning of Selah”. It was one o’clock in the morning and I couldn’t sleep. I was ecstatic when I found it’s meaning, because in so many ways it was God’s reassurance. Here is the email I sent to my mom:
So I did a google search.. and almost cried (insert hormones here) The name Selah means "Pause and Reflect"
We have the middle name Grace for a daughter. Because it would only be by the GRACE of God that He will give her to us. While it is a family name on both sides, it has double meaning! So when I looked up the meaning of the name Selah and this is the first one that came up, I was struck by the meaning of the name of the little girl we will one day have (if she isn't in my belly right now!)
Selah Grace: Pause and Reflect on the Grace of God Isn't that powerful????
That touched my heart, and because I love you, I thought I would share it with you. -your favoritest favorite daughter, you are one of my best friends EVER!
The next morning I went to the doctor’s office and found that the spotting and cramping was due to a condition called Placenta Previa where the baby is over the cervix. So while I was not losing my baby I had an all new set of issues to deal with. I was on pelvic rest and told to rest in general with no heavy lifting and such.
At my 20 week appointment we found out our baby is a girl, and that the placenta previa was no longer an issue. Selah Grace will make her appearance into this world as a testament to the grace of God, and as a constant reminder of His faithfulness.
As I went to post this on here I just had to watch the video again, it is incredibly POWERFUL! Tears, yep, tears, sitting here at my desk! God Bless.
This beautiful horse looks almost just like mine, he lives at the ranch I volunteered at right before meeting my husband. We go visit a few times a year.
I was talking to my hubs a few weeks ago as we were listening to the radio, and decided to inform him of something he quite honestly already knew. This might come as a shock to you, to some good and others bad, but I am a country girl at heart. Put me in a barn and I am a happy camper, or out riding a horse I don't even mind mucking the stalls. However, I haven't much had the opportunity to do any of these things since marrying him. It isn't his fault, we just had our miracle boy immediately and pregnant on horseback freaked hubs out a bit. Then I was busy being a mommy and my horse lives a few miles down the road. When things were shaping up to make some time to get out and visit my oversized dog (aka Ponderosa, my horse) I am pregnant with itty bitty- my little miracle girl. I wouldn't trade my children for the world, much less my horse though. I do miss it, the freedom of it. God and I have a special connection when I am outside gardening or on my horse.
As this upcoming year starts I know that it brings with it many new challenges a lot of frustration and a lot of joy. I am trying to get back into my bible reading (I am a total slacker on this count) so that I can focus on the joys and not the frustrations. I will be sharing the journey right here with you too.
I don't know yet if I have mentioned to you our dreams of the future. Hubs and I want to start a ministry that does several things, but the one closest and dearest to my heart is that of an orphanage in Uruguay. I see the children in my dreams. For me, if I dream about it then it is deep down inside my soul. Dreams are special, and God absolutely uses them. Now don't get me wrong, it isn't every night that I have these amazing God dreams, but it does happen, and they are world rocking!
When we think of this huge dream we know that God has given us, sometimes we have a very hard time with the patience issue. Right as we were fully realizing this dream He has buried so deep in our hearts we took the Dave Ramsey Financial Freedom class. This changed our financial lives. With very few exceptions we have taken on no additional debt and are slowly digging out of the hole we were in. This is such a contrary to American way, but freedom is within reach! We felt like before we could seriously start raising funds to move to Uruguay and open an orphanage we would need to be close to out of debt. Our conviction is that to present our lives with the utmost of integrity it needs to be shown that we aren't raising funds to cover bad decisions of our own. Also, we want to show that we aren't doing something on a whim, but have a carefully laid out plan, and rely fully on God.
Hubs played the Carrie Underwood song "Temporary Home" for me tonight (we ended up HAVING to buy it off of iTunes!) because it is so incredibly perfect for the children we already love and many have not even been conceived yet! This song is heartbreaking, and has such dual meaning for those of us who love God! Here are the lyrics for you:
Little boy, 6 years old A little too used to bein' alone Another new mom and dad,another school Another house that'll never be home When people ask him how he likes this place He looks up and says with a smile upon his face "This is my temporary home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know this is my Temporary Home." Young mom on her own She needs a little help got nowhere to go She's lookin' for a job, lookin' for a way out Because a half-way house will never be a home At night she whispers to her baby girl Someday we'll find a place here in this world "This is our temporary home It's not where we belong Windows and rooms that we're passin' through This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going I'm not afraid because I know this is our Temporary Home." Old man, hospital bed The room is filled with people he loves And he whispers don't cry for me I'll see you all someday He looks up and says "I can see God's face" "This is my temporary Home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through This was just a stop,on the way To where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know this was My temporary home." This is our temporary home
As a christian this IS our temporary home. It doesn't mean that we can't enjoy it, but ultimately this isn't what life is about. CS Lewis has one of the greatest quotes. He says "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world". I love it!!!
